i loved a girl once
never told her
was too afraid of how i felt,
and i knew i would
be rejected
for she was with someone else;
but i could not hold back
my fear of these emotions
drove her away with my anger
because i am good at driving
wedges between myself and others
sometimes without meaning to
all my life i was taught it was wrong
even my mother once said,
"you better not be a lesbian"
as if it were some choice i would make
simply wake up one day and decide
that i wanted to be something she said no to
she always smelled of roses,
and sometimes her hair was pink;
she said she was lady utena
i wonder who her rose bride was
buried in all the oceans of me she still remains
underneath all the songs we loved
even under pearls of literature
she recommended
i find her there
laughing at me like lestat did to louis
i find no anger in her mockery
for i deserve it for wounding her—
i had dreams of reconciliation
that woke me up in tears
because i had to realize they were not true
i wish that i could go back in time and undo
every hurtful thing i said to her
and tell her that i loved her even if she couldn't love me.
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Linda M. Crate is a Pennsylvanian native born in Pittsburgh yet raised in the rural town of Conneautville. Her poetry, short stories, articles, and reviews have been published in a myriad of magazines both online and in print. She has four published chapbooks A Mermaid Crashing Into Dawn (Fowlpox Press - June 2013), Less Than A Man (The Camel Saloon - January 2014), If Tomorrow Never Comes (Scars Publications, August 2016), and My Wings Were Made to Fly (September 2017). Her fantasy novel Blood & Magic was published in March 2015. The second novel of this series Dragons & Magic was published in October 2015. The third of the seven book series Centaurs & Magic was published November 2016. Her novel Corvids & Magic was published March 2017.