“trainers” is british english for “sneakers”
I took some of my dad’s trainers
The last time I saw him.
He is not yet dead He can still walk But he cannot run He can only really shuffle.
He doesn’t need trainers And though I sometimes say I don’t need him I do enjoy Thinking about my dad The younger him The healthier him When I am far away And trying to make myself fitter.
three half-arsed tries
Though I am now The happiest I’ve ever been
I sometimes still wish That I’d done it.1
I was scared of dying
But desperate For death Or at least
For the end of that life.2
Three times I tried Three half-arsed tries
Three times I could have Done it.3
I’m squeamish And nervous So I didn’t take
Enough of the stuff
To die.4
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1 The lowest lows were just so low and none of the happy parts come close to their opposite.
2 It is not an option anyone undertakes lightly I wish I hadn’t wished it was.
3 Twice in Summer, once in Spring: the sunshine made me feel alone.
4 When I was at my lowest I made a perfect fourth plan: I was going to chain myself in a nighttime low tide as close as I could to the water
then I would overdose like the other times but when I passed out I would drown.
real men die
Men are meant to slash their wrists like Romans
Men are meant to tear their stomachs like Samurai
Men are meant to find a gun like an American And ruin as many people as they can.
It is women who put their heads in ovens
It is women who take too many pills It is women who attempt suicide Real men
Get it right: They make a mess
And die.
Real men Stop the trains for an hour
Real men Take other people too
Real men Leave their bodies hanging
In a house their family
Calls home.
Real men Don’t swallow legal medicine
Wash it down with pinot grigio
Lie in bed And hope they never wake up.
Real men do it properly Real men don’t mess about
Because if they do it wrong
Someone Will make them talk about
WHY?
Scott Manley Hadley blogs at TriumphoftheNow.com and his debut poetry collection, Bad Boy Poet, is available now from Open Pen. For more details visit www.scottmanleyhadley.com or @Scott_Hadley on Twitter. His upcoming non-fiction book My Father, From A Distance will be available this March from Selcouth Station!